How To Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Gaslighted

The word "gaslighting" gets tossed around a lot in the media these days, sometimes to the point that we lose sight of its gravity. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and it should be treated as such. Importantly, that also means recovering as a victim of gaslighting can be a long, complicated process that goes beyond just calling out the person who did it.

I've spent years studying how gaslighting happens, why people do it, and how its victims can recover. Here are six of the most important steps toward regaining your sanity after you've been gaslighted:

Remember that no one will ever be good enough for the gaslighter. It's important to understand that gaslighters behave in a clear pattern: They probably treated you like a goddess or god when you first got together and then later they inexplicably treated you like dirt. This is how the gaslighter works—they idealize you and then devalue you. You didn't do anything to cause someone to treat you this way. Gaslighters have a bottomless pit of need, and feeling powerful at your expense is how they fill it. Never blame yourself—it's not your fault whatsoever.

The longer you are away from the gaslighter, the more you will heal. Unfortunately, gaslighters are experts at a technique called "hoovering," in which they try to suck you back into a relationship because they need a narcissistic "fix." Remember: Relationships with a gaslighter always get worse, regardless of how much they say they've changed. Go for the no contact rule with totaly radio silence—block their phone numbers, emails, and social media accounts, and do not answer unknown numbers or accept messages from users you don't know. (If you have kids with a gaslighter, seek the advice of an attorney.)

If your gaslighter ended things and then jumped right into another relationship, it had nothing to do with how good or worthy you are as a person, no matter what the gaslighter may have told you. Gaslighters are notorious for having affairs or starting a new relationship as soon as the "newness" of the original relationship has worn off. They will do this to their next partner too. The gaslighter will do anything to get that bottomless pit of need filled.

Gaslighting can often make you lose sight of not just reality but also yourself. Depending on the length of the relationship, the person may have manipulated you so much that you aren't even sure of your likes and dislikes anymore. Now, it's time to reconnect with yourself. One great way to start is by simply writing about yourself, which helps you get in touch with the you that you may have lost. Write down what you love, what drives you crazy, and what you fear.

You can also journal about how the gaslighter hurt you and what feelings you are going through post-breakup. Writing feelings down helps get them out of our head and helps us not overanalyze. You may be used to analyzing every move you made because it was impossible to tell what was setting the gaslighter off—and you were getting blamed for their behavior. By writing down what happened, you can start letting it go.

Additionally, take time to write down what you gained by going through this experience. You learned that you have a fountain of strength within you. You may be even more empathetic than before; maybe you can now educate others about gaslighting. Get in touch with how you have grown from this dark period in your life, as unpleasant as it was.

What are some healthy things you can do right now to soothe your hurt and treat yourself with tender, loving care? What are the things that give you energy? Create a list of the activities that raise you up—I call this a "psychological first-aid kit." When you are feeling low, do one of the energy-boosting activities on your list, even if it's only for a few minutes. Turn to it in times when you need to practice some good self-care.

Some items in my clients' psychological first-aid kits include going for a walk, calling a trusted friend, painting, reading, watching a movie, and doing some deep breathing. Meditation has also helped many survivors of gaslighting find themselves again.

Forgiving doesn't mean what the gaslighter did was OK. Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could be any different. It's a continual process, and you are not forgiving the gaslighter for their sake—you're forgiving the gaslighter for your own well-being, so you can accept what happened and start to move on.

Most importantly, it's time to forgive yourself. Remember that you are enough and always have been enough. You didn't do anything to "make" the gaslighter behave a certain way. You did the best you could, considering the circumstances. Gaslighters turn up the manipulative behavior slowly—so it can be very difficult to catch what they are doing. You have grown and learned from this experience, and you'll only be stronger going forward.