20 Signs Of Manipulation & What To Do If It's Happening To You

When you want something in a relationship, it’s good to exercise honesty. However, if your partner can’t be direct, they may cross into boundary-crossing behavior like manipulation to get you to do what they want. 

When someone you love is emotionally manipulating you, they are essentially eroding the connection through a series of exploitative tactics to gain control and influence your choices. At its worst, it can de-anchor you to a point where you no longer recognize yourself. 

“Manipulation is the act of purposefully exerting psychological control over an individual for personal gain,” defines Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D, clinical psychologist and author of Date Smart. “Manipulation is inherently unfair and, although often subtle and indirect, manipulation can also be very explicit.”

Because of its ambiguity, manipulation can be a slippery concept to get a hold of because it exists on a spectrum. On its less-extreme side, you’ll likely experience confusion as your life is subtly rearranged to match your partner’s preferences. On its most extreme end, the manipulation takes on a dark, insidious tone if they’re covertly pushing you towards a specific outcome. In the process, you may lose your sense of self which prevents you from recognizing the psychological disorientation. 

According to Manly, manipulation from your partner could take the form of unnecessary white lies, rude comments disguised as jokes, and general incongruities with what they say–as if they’re changing the facts in certain stories to make themselves look better and affect the way you perceive them. “It’s critical to be on the lookout for overt manipulation tactics that include shaming, blaming, and avoidance of personal responsibility,” she adds. 

There are several common types or stages of manipulation you need to know. Raja explains what to watch out for and how these behaviors can escalate: 

Raja points out it’s important to note that not all displays of love and affection are inherently manipulative. As well, not all relationships involve manipulation, and not all manipulators follow these exact stages. However, manipulation is a serious problem because your partner is controlling your actions and decisions without your consent. And when you feel like you can’t trust yourself, you won’t listen to your gut–which may sink you deeper into the toxic partnership. 

To quickly recognize manipulative behavior, Manly recommends confiding with a trusted friend or talking to a therapist to keep track of potential manipulative patterns. But above all, she suggests keeping a journal as soon as you realize something is off. 

“Trust your gut when you feel manipulated, and then write about the experience in a journal. Journaling is a terrific way to gain objectivity—especially when you can objectively assess patterns that you’ve journaled about over time,” she advises. “Within a week or two, you’ll likely detect patterns that help you objectively notice whether or not you’re in the midst of manipulative strategies.”

Here are some signs of manipulation that’ll likely be present in your relationship:

“You’re feeling like you're walking on eggshells,” says clinical psychologist Annia Raja, Ph.D. “If you’re afraid of setting off your partner's anger or displeasure, and you’re constantly monitoring yourself around them, you may be dealing with a manipulative partner.”

On that note, Raja says you may feel like you have to constantly apologize for your actions because you never know what your partner will be upset about. If you’re assuming responsibility even when you’re not in the wrong, this indicates a bigger problem. “If you notice the urge or pressure to constantly justify every big and small decision, it could be a sign that you’re being manipulated,” she says.

It’s normal to want your partner to show up for you the way you hope. If you’re in a relationship with elements of manipulation though, the opposite will happen. Instead, Manly says you may start to harbor doubts, wondering if your expectations are too high. Your manipulating partner may make you feel like your needs are too much and unrealistic, which could have you expressing less and ignoring what you care about. 

For example, maybe you want to celebrate your birthday with a special date, but your partner is too consumed with work to meet your request. Instead of thinking about how they can make your day special, they may reverse it by minimizing your feelings. The end result is you pulling back the request and believing you are too much. 

Their manipulative words might sound like this: “I can’t believe you’re stressing me out about your birthday when I have this much on my plate. If you really loved me, you would appreciate everything I already do for you and not focus on such a frivolous thing."

Raja says if you’re feeling isolated from your friends and family because of your partner, that’s an indicator that something is amiss. Your partner shouldn’t be controlling who you see, when you see them, or actively trying to keep you from spending time with people. In healthy relationships, they want to be a part of your inner circle. 

On the flip side, they may use your friends and family against you if they’re manipulative. They may charm your loved ones with the intention of getting them on their side. If you try to address a conflict or leave them, they may have your inner circle convince you to give your partner another chance. 

When you’re being manipulated, there’s no room for what you want in the relationship. “You start wondering if you’re worthy and lovable; as if your self-esteem is taking a hit,” Manly says. It’s all about your partner, their needs, their desires, and what they’re comfortable giving. After a while, it can feel like nothing you care about matters–even you. 

Manly previously mentioned, the manipulation of your worth could be more explicit. They may use your history, fears, and insecurities against you to bring you down and create a culture of codependency through emotional manipulation tactics like negging.

This common manipulative tactic comes with phrases like: “You’re lucky I love you so much when you’ve gained some extra pounds. Don’t worry, I love you exactly as you are.”

"You feel as if there are two sets of rules—one for you and one for the person you’re dating,” Manly says. From their perspective, they can do no wrong. If they do something that hurts your feelings, it’s because of X reason so you should cut them some slack. But if you’re going through a tough time and not able to step up, they’ll guilt you to do it anyways. 

When you say no, they don’t respect your boundary and try to get you to change your mind. They demand you pay attention to their inclinations and needs, but consistently disregard yours. When you bring up something they did to hurt you in the past, they turn it back on you to escape accountability. 

“Manipulative people tend to monopolize conversations—it’s rarely about you, and when it is, you either feel like they’re not really listening or they somehow find a way to turn the conversation back around to themselves,” Raja points out.

Manipulative behaviors don’t just take place romantically, too; these qualities can also occur in friendships. “Manipulative friends may always want to be in charge, or want to control who else you hang out with, or make you feel reliant on them for your social needs,” she says. “Another sign of manipulation can be when the friend really only gets in touch with you when they need or want something from you. Outside of that, it’s crickets.”

It’s all about your partner and their comfort levels. If you ask them for more than they want to give you, they resist and deflect any attempt at a constructive conversation. “You're feeling like you're constantly making sacrifices or compromises to please the manipulator, but not getting anything in return,” Raja explains. “The relationship feels one-sided, leaving you feeling drained and exhausted.” 

For a one-sided relationship to take place, Raja says there may be some manipulative behaviors like belittling, guilt-tripping, victimization, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive behavior–moves that make you feel unimportant and small and crowd you out of the relationship. 

Manipulative phrases tend to be centered on garnering a particular reaction from you, escaping culpability, and making you feel bad for displaying your needs in a relationship. Here are some examples: 

If you believe you’re being manipulated, it’s important to call out their words, actions, and motives in real time so you can prevent additional emotional violations. When manipulation goes too far, you may question yourself instead of recognizing the root of the problem–your partner.

“Overcoming manipulation takes a combination of self-awareness, other-awareness, and strong boundaries,” Manly says. “As you become more in touch with your own responses to another person’s manipulative dynamics, you can begin to create strong, healthy boundaries that put a halt to the toxic patterns,” Manly says. 

Manly lays out a potential scenario. Let’s say you’re being manipulated into paying for the bulk of expenses, and you want to put healthy boundaries around finances. “You might say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to have money to cover dinner when we go out. I realized I’m paying for most expenses, and that doesn’t feel right to me. In the future, please make sure you have cash with you before we head out. Otherwise, I’ll plan on staying in.’”

Raja agrees on the importance of practicing assertiveness so it can help you build an equal and respectful dynamic with your partner. This also has the positive benefit of developing a more positive self-image when you know how to say no and speak up in situations where you’re being taken advantage of. 

A caveat: Raja notes it’s possible your partner could be manipulating you without realizing the impact their words or actions have on you. “They may use guilt-tripping to get you to do what they want, without realizing that they are putting excessive pressure or emotional burden on you,” she says as an example. “Or they may use passive-aggressive behavior, such as giving you the silent treatment, without realizing the hurtful and anxiety-provoking impact it has.”

Even if this is the case, that still doesn’t make it OK, and it still needs to be addressed. If they’re unwilling to change their behavior, you have the power to shift the power dynamic by taking care of yourself. “If the relationship is causing you significant distress or harm, or if the relationship is abusive in any way, it may be necessary to consider ending the relationship,” Raja advises. 

Healthy relationships are predicated on mutual love, respect, and trust. When manipulation is in the picture, these core tenets can’t exist because the manipulator is taking away what makes you unique: your autonomy and personhood. They’re not seeing you for who you are, but what they want you to be. That isn’t love. 

If you’re being manipulated by your partner, the good news is you can take back control by doing what’s best for you. No matter what, you deserve to be with someone where your thoughts, feelings, choices, and boundaries are not only tolerated but sought after and celebrated.